Top 5 Worst Platforming Mascots Ever

1) Bubsy: This cat is irritating, starring in horrible game after horrible game, a lousy camera, cringe-inducing vocals and a horrible storyline.

2) Awesome Possum: Basically Sonic The Hedgehog if everything about the franchise sucked from day one. Awesome Posum who kicks Dr.Machino’s butt is lame, he thinks too highly of himself despite his embarrassing falsetto voice, he collects garbage for powerups (the most befitting metaphor in video game history) and cries like a pussy if he so much as trips over a flower. All the bad attitude of Sonic, none of the charm or care of the classic Genesis games. An utter failure.

3) Gex: If the character isn’t spouting off expositions, worthless platitudes, or dated movie references, Gex has nothing to offer any audience besides sub-par platforming, and the worst gaming soundtrack in history, that loops on a feedback so often, you will want to take a hacksaw to your ears for the peaceful nature of silence.

4) Glover: Glover is dependent on his ball. So dependent, that you have to carry the ball everywhere and cannot platform without being chained to Glover’s ball or you die. Imagine Knuckles Chaotix if you lost a life stepping a few inches away from a single ring, then having to start the entire horrible atrocious experience all over again, just to experience the same broken game mechanic repeated ad nauseum.

5) Bebe’s Kids: This video explains to you more than any mere words can. Enjoy! This video remains copyrighted to the Nostalgia Critic, not myself.

My Gaming Review Affiliate Business

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The death of the Platformer and Graphics trumping Gameplay

Back in the late eighties and early nineties, platformers dominated the cultural landscape. Atari’s blunders with the Atari 5200 and the disastrous failure of E.T appeared to be sending the entire video gaming industry to its deathbed. Then out of the ashes, Nintendo arose and birthed the Super Mario Bros franchise, turning the Nintendo Entertainment System into a worldwide sensation. The platformer became dominant, and every gaming company in America began desperately trying to grab onto Nintendo’s dominance within the industry by crafting a competitor to Super Mario, but none could succeed.

Until the year 1990 when Sega threw its hat into the gaming arena ring with the Sonic the Hedgehog series, and its infamous “Blast-Processing” advertising. Suddenly, every single video game company had to have a successful platforming adventure. Bubsy, Gex, Glover and other reject mascots came and went, all delivering style over substance because they all forget the central tenant of great platformers… ACTUAL PLATFORMING!!!

What made great platformers great was a combination of correct jumping techniques and well-developed characters that made the world’s fun to explore. This genre had all but died out, because the game designers cared more about making the character appealing to younger and younger audiences. News flash, Conker’s Bad Fur Day was a great platformer not just because of its edgy and sophisticated darker theme, but the adult themes combined with excellent gameplay. No hardcore gamer cares one bit how shiny your graphics on your game are. If the game plays like garbage, you have failed as a game developer, end of story. Conker worked as a platformer and as a mature title, because it seamlessly blended story and platforming together in a manner unlike any platformer before it, and wasn’t afraid to get as raunchy as possible in the process. The operatic Great Mighty Poo while a disgusting character, may also have been one of the most original and brilliant villains in history!

Graphics cannot trump the value of solid gameplay, as great Indie developer released Shovel Knight undeniably set in stone forever. This game has 8-bit graphics in the modern era of flashy graphics and anisotropic filtering. Yet tight, nail-biting gameplay with excellent platforming and addictive combat, making the graphics meaningless in context. I cannot stress this undeniable fact enough, modern game developers now care more about graphics than good story or gameplay, to the detriment of everyone involved. Mass Effect Andromeda (or in my eyes a Mass Effect Abomination which I will certainly cover) has shiny graphics, a nice coat of paint. But the story is awful, the characters forgettable, and the gameplay so buggy and glitch-ridden, it is an absolute disgrace. You can spend all the millions of dollars in the world, but without proper QA testing of your product, you are only deluding yourself as to the nature of the final product. It’s as if we have come to celebrate mediocrity in all forms as long as its tied neatly together in a bow and presented within a pretty package.

Graphics are NEVER more important in great video games than gameplay. What made the old school platformers fun and satisfying video games was the game developers commitment to making a game that is, at bottom, fun and satisfying to play for the consumer. Now its all about DLC bullshit, microtransactions for every cosmetic piece, and silly, superficial content that strips away a fun experience at every turn. The modern gaming industry needs a fundamental change in how games are designed, starting with a back to basics empasis on catering to the hardcore gamer, by delivering solid, tight, addictive, and endlessly replayable and customizable gaming experiences. You limit our options to save on budget or make the game look better at the expense of substance, your product is already an absolute failure.

Can Sonic Forces save the Sonic The Hedgehog franchise?

The Sonic the Hedgehog series has essentially been on a downward spiral the last decade. After the last Yuji Naka Sonic game, SONIC HEROES, the series went into free fall with three horrible games. Shadow the Hedgehog featuring Shadow wielding guns and failing miserably to act edgy and cool by inserting the word “Dam” into every dialogue box. Sonic Unleashed with its ridiculous Werehog concept and horribly broken Sonic speed sections where you die in several seconds even if you don’t touch your controller. Finally, the infamously horrendous Sonic The Hedgehog 2006 with its insane loading screens, hideously ugly graphics, and fundamentally broken rip your teeth out gameplay that strained even the most patient gamer to an absolute boiling point. Then for a moment of tantalizing sanity, it appeared that Sonic Team had ceased huffing gallons of paint and smoking crack while developing video games, and Sonic Colors and Generations released to significant fanfare. Gone were the stupid sub plots, and instead tight, speedy 2D and 3D gameplay replaced the awful and stilted Sonic 2006 gameplay. It looked like Sonic was on the up and up, but then came the abomination to end all atrocities, Sonic Boom Rise of Lyric.

The gameplay was broken, the framerate disgustingly unplayable, the characters irritating, loud, the story asinine, stupid and so overtly obnoxious you wanted to jam knives into your ears to silence the bleeding of the horrible voice acting! The game was unplayable, annoying, and just a hideous blot on the entire modern gaming industry, a new low for the Sonic franchise, already nearing the life support stage. It looked like the Sonic Franchise was once again on the ropes and that Sega had learned absolutely nothing. However, with the next two Sonic games Sonic Mania and Sonic Forces, it appears Sega is pulling out all the shots to redeem the once proud name of Sonic The Hedgehog. Sonic Mania features strictly classic Sonic 2D gameplay, complete with sprite animations! Sonic Forces on the other hand once more brings Sonic multiplatform. Not only this, but Sonic Forces features for the first time, a custom character creator allowing you to design your own Sonic character and use them in-game. From what I have observed, this release combines ideas from Sonic Colors and Generations and expands upon them. Classic Sonic is returning again, and he is most welcome, along with 3D Sonic stages focused on fast paced gameplay. Sega has one last chance to not screw up this battered and abused franchise because gamers are getting sick and tired of the lack of quality control with Sonic, it needs to end now.

Oculus Rift

The Oculus Rift represents a paradigm shift for the FPS genre. Imagine first person shooters with the ability to engage combatants in real time, no need for a controller! Imagine using your arms to dismantle an enemy tank and feel the tactile response. Such is the possibilities that devices such as Microsoft’s Oculus Rift bring to the technological table, and the potential cannot remain overstated. Imagine performing cooperative missions with friends in a virtual world designed with VR technology, playing call-outs with your voice and having AI squadmates cover you and follow orders in a split second!

The Oculus Rift also has the potential to revolutionize how we interact with our home devices. In a similar vein to Google Glass, the interface allows for context sensitive information to become mapped to the headset. I envision a future in which all VR games enable you to interact with your email, social media, and other plugins as you play so you can multitask as you game. FPS video games are all about immersion, and with virtual reality becoming more sophisticated technology than in the days of Nintendo’s failed Virtual Boy; there remains no limit to how far this new technology may become stretched and applied both to modern console and PC gaming, and our computer software applications.

Top 14 Characters to add to Super Smash Bros's sequel on Nintendo Switch

1Akuma (Ryu is awesome, Akuma would be an incredible edition!

2Tails, Knuckles, Shadow, and Dr.Robotnik.

3Balloon Man

4Cervantes

5Nightmare

6Spawn

7 Spider-Man

8King K Rool.

9.Sagat.

1Dan Hibiki

1Chun Li

1Oni

1 Riden

1M. Bison.

The Rise of Cros-Platform Gaming

The console and PC markets are evolving. Windows 10 has demonstrated a remarkable commitment to PC gamers, with regular updates to graphics and software capacities. With the upcoming Project Scorpio due for release at the end of this fiscal year, cross-platform gaming may soon become a reality between consoles and personal computers. Imagine playing an online match against hundreds of PC and console players simultaneously. Imagine creating a map on a PC editing platform, then showcasing your plan to console and PC players in real time! 

Customization is the rightful future of video games. Players want maximum customization. They want options to change their character to their liking, customization of weapons and maps, and they do not want restrictions in the next generation. I imagine a future in which players can craft custom single-player and multiplayer missions on the fly, then swap levels and customized missions with other players. Imagine if players create a campaign mission better than what the developer’s craft, forcing the developer’s hand in hiring said player to design levels for them. Imagine gaming journalists or game developers hired on the fly for creating the best mods and extending the longevity of triple AAA titles.

Welcome!

     

Microtransactions in Triple AAA Videogames need to die

Microtransactions are an actual cancer of the modern video gaming industry, and they need to die soon. Remember back in the good old days, when you could just purchase a video game cartridge, cd, or DVD/Blu-Ray for only 50 to 60$? Well, those days are well and gone thanks to microtransactions that drain both consumer confidence and gamer happiness within seconds. Want this gun that is painted yellow? 2$to 4$, please! Want a patch that stops our shitty game from crashing every five seconds and shutting down your computer? Lick our corporate sweaty ballsacks while you pay us more of your hard-earned cash! 

Halo 5 Guardians contained some of my favorite multiplayer the series has seen in years despite a truly lackluster campaign. Yet the microtransactions ruin an otherwise enjoyable experience, by forcing you to either shell out your money or pick random requisition packs to get armor you may not even care about or care for. More and more, game developers are taking the easy way out, patching games post release and leaving hundreds of bugs in their games at release. Mass Effect Andromeda, such a monumental disappointment and a riddled bug disaster (which I will be covering on the new Spilled Parchment 2.0) is a prime example of the issue with post-release patching. Microtransactions only rub salt deeper into this wound, by making players shell out cash for cosmetics or maps that could have been included in the game at release. All too often, players are paying exorbitant sums for simple unlocks or even more shamefully, paying for content already on the disc itself, locked away by a greedy game developer looking out for profits first and gamers second. This greedy corporate malpractice must end, and it must end now. 

My personal Wishlist for Halo 6

My wish list, having experienced Halo 5 Guardians through Forge and the Windows 10 PC release of the game for Halo 6, has been brewing within my cerebellum for several months, and therefore, this list was an act of inevitability for me as a fan.

1) Remove Micro transactions from Halo

Halo and Micro transactions get along as well as Sonic The Hedgehog and 3D, which is the breakup involved excessive Faulkner gin guzzling benders to drown the sorrows of a broken heart. Halo needs achievements, and players if we must unlock armor, we desire to pay for the individual pieces we want, not having to buy random Gold packs for random helmets the consumer doesn't even want. This system is exploitative and ruins what is otherwise an incredible multiplayer experience from Halo 5, sans the unforgivable lack of any split screen, which 343i has thankfully confirmed for every future Halo game.

2) Bring back Split screen to Halo 6

Mandatory. The excuse that people want better graphics over functionality is a useless argument when we can easily invite our friends to our homes to play some video games. But hell no, Microsoft got super greedy as fuck, and wanted the consumer to pay for two Xbox Ones and copies of Halo 5 Guardians just to play together co-op!!! Total descent into madness upon abject stupidity and rampant consumerism at the expense of the gamer. Halo 6 needs to go further on every level, likely being on Microsoft's so far from technical demonstrations impressive Xbox One X. Split screen needs to outclass Super Smash Bros on the Wii U, which allowed players to play with tons of players even in split screen.

3) Playable Elites.

I want a new Invasion in Halo 6. Bigger and more badass in every way, combined with the incredible potential of Warzone and Warzone Firefight demonstrated in Halo 5, with AI teammates you can customize with unique weapons, skills, armor, assassinations, voice and anything you wish. Halo needs to be the franchise KING of customization, as Halo 5's Custom Games Browser is fantastic and needs to return in Halo 6. And we desire to play as Elites once again, with identical stats and playlist rights as the Spartans. Both species contribute to Halo lore, history, and canon, and therefore, the Elites deserve to be playable. On this note...

4) Playable Brutes, Flood, Covenant, Prometheans, and Forerunners.

Do I even need to explain why? The scientific research says no. No, I do not. Bots in multiplayer, campaign and firefight, would boost the long-term appeal of Halo tremendously from Halo 6 onward. Imagine an Invasion game type with AI Scarab's on the Elites team, and the Infinity, filled with AI Spartans on the Spartans side, in an all out Warzone inspired battle for the ages!

5) An improved theater.

Halo 6's Theater needs to be built for Machinima from the ground up, allowing us to upload our saved replays to our notebooks, desktops, tablets, and smartphones for every upload to social media outlets. 4K HD support by design. A more flexible camera that allows us to close up shots of our Spartan or Elite armor, like in Halo 3 which was near flawless in its elegant execution.

6) More Assassinations and Elite custom assassinations

Let's have grabbing weakened Spartan and Elite teammates and holding them captive. The apprehended can struggle and BXR with enough timing out of the chokehold, but the individual remains otherwise shot to death as a human/dinosaur shield by his own Spartans or Elites. What about real close quarter combat moves too? Uppercuts, kicks, jabs and even perhaps the ability to throw on Spartan or Elite combatant into another killing two birds with a single stone?

7) More vehicles and weapons, with the resurgence of dual wielding!

A custom game type where any weapon can be dual wielded? Energy Swords? Gravity Hammers? Snipers? Saws? Battle Rifles? Rocket Launchers? Sign me up! Let's take this concept a step further 343i. Allow gamers to customize each weapon individually, the damage each weapon does, the scope length, fire rate, number of bullets in a clip, weapon skins, etc.

8) More Classic playlists

Give Sprint fewer playlists equal footing in Halo 6, with Classic Halo players satisfied with no sprint Halo gameplay, the other half getting average Sprint playlists, as Sprint now has its place in Halo. Increase the damage of weapons slightly for Classic playlists and decrease Spartan/Elite health resistance.

9) A better story
We want to play as the Master Chief. Not as Locke the whole time, Chief and Blue Team must be the central focus of Halo 6's plotline for Halo fans to care. Let us play as the Arbiter again! Give us characters that don't sound like lifeless, limp rag puppets as in Halo 5 Guardians single player. All that ridiculous, insane hype and for what?! A pointless fistfight and a crazy nonsensical retarded cliffhanger ending, that still leaves a sour taste in the mouth. Halo 6 needs to have none of these flaws.

10) The Resurrection of Sargent Johnson as a Spartan himself.
Make it happen 343. The fate of Halo now rests in your hands.

The new Macbook Pro is total garbage

There is no easy way to say this, Apple's new Macbook Pro is a definitive downgrade from previous releases, and a compelling reason why I have stayed with PC. This is the worst Macintosh release in Apples entire history. The flaws of this new Macbook Pro are impossible to ignore. Such as the fact that HDMI is now gone. Firewire is gone. Thunderbolt is gone. An optical drive? SD Card slots? Pff, who needs them? All the useful ports are fucking gone. But it gets even worse. Much worse.

Just to attach your phone, camera, and any other device to your Macbook Pro requires the purchase of a 50$ or more dongle, per attachment. Imagine a sea of unseemly and ugly tangled mess of cables cluttering your desk with no room for anything, and you are close to describing the new MacBook Pro experience. It's grade A bullshit. Even worse, people are releasing hacks solely to fix Apple's gross negligence and blatant incompetence with the Macbook Pro. You know that you utterly fucked it up when people release mods just to add features to the older model which have removed for no reason other than simple aesthetics which means jack fucking shit to any power user:
http://www.businessinsider.com/2016-macbook-pro-adapter-adds-hdmi-sd-card-usb-ports-2017-1
 I recently purchased an Alienware 17 inch beast of a laptop, at a fraction of the cost of the new Macbook Pro, with a much faster processor, 8 GB VRAM Nvidia graphics card, double the RAM capacity at 32GB DDR4, a solid state hard drive, larger HD display that is Oculus Rift enabled, and with tons of ports, all for over a thousand dollars less. If you enjoy paying over three thousand dollars for a computer with only 2GB of VRAM in fucking 2016 and quad-core processors below 3.0 GHZ, you are being conned and played like a fucking sucker. Apple is ripping you off to your very face, but people continue to shell out the money for garbage product.  OS X is an excellent operating system, but Windows 10 is looking to become a serious competitor. I love the Microsoft Surface, as it demonstrates what Windows 8.1's tablet functionality should have operated as in the first place.

The bottom line is that Apple is in trouble. They have successfully alienated their power users through releasing a machine with fewer features than previous versions. The Mac platform needs help. SmartTouch does not justify the removal of ports, and the lack of reliable hardware. My advice is to wait to purchase a new portable Macintosh until Apple hires a new development team with an inkling of common sense.

My Product Rating: 0/10