Microtransactions in Triple AAA Videogames need to die

Microtransactions are an actual cancer of the modern video gaming industry, and they need to die soon. Remember back in the good old days, when you could just purchase a video game cartridge, cd, or DVD/Blu-Ray for only 50 to 60$? Well, those days are well and gone thanks to microtransactions that drain both consumer confidence and gamer happiness within seconds. Want this gun that is painted yellow? 2$to 4$, please! Want a patch that stops our shitty game from crashing every five seconds and shutting down your computer? Lick our corporate sweaty ballsacks while you pay us more of your hard-earned cash! 

Halo 5 Guardians contained some of my favorite multiplayer the series has seen in years despite a truly lackluster campaign. Yet the microtransactions ruin an otherwise enjoyable experience, by forcing you to either shell out your money or pick random requisition packs to get armor you may not even care about or care for. More and more, game developers are taking the easy way out, patching games post release and leaving hundreds of bugs in their games at release. Mass Effect Andromeda, such a monumental disappointment and a riddled bug disaster (which I will be covering on the new Spilled Parchment 2.0) is a prime example of the issue with post-release patching. Microtransactions only rub salt deeper into this wound, by making players shell out cash for cosmetics or maps that could have been included in the game at release. All too often, players are paying exorbitant sums for simple unlocks or even more shamefully, paying for content already on the disc itself, locked away by a greedy game developer looking out for profits first and gamers second. This greedy corporate malpractice must end, and it must end now. 

My personal Wishlist for Halo 6

My wish list, having experienced Halo 5 Guardians through Forge and the Windows 10 PC release of the game for Halo 6, has been brewing within my cerebellum for several months, and therefore, this list was an act of inevitability for me as a fan.

1) Remove Micro transactions from Halo

Halo and Micro transactions get along as well as Sonic The Hedgehog and 3D, which is the breakup involved excessive Faulkner gin guzzling benders to drown the sorrows of a broken heart. Halo needs achievements, and players if we must unlock armor, we desire to pay for the individual pieces we want, not having to buy random Gold packs for random helmets the consumer doesn't even want. This system is exploitative and ruins what is otherwise an incredible multiplayer experience from Halo 5, sans the unforgivable lack of any split screen, which 343i has thankfully confirmed for every future Halo game.

2) Bring back Split screen to Halo 6

Mandatory. The excuse that people want better graphics over functionality is a useless argument when we can easily invite our friends to our homes to play some video games. But hell no, Microsoft got super greedy as fuck, and wanted the consumer to pay for two Xbox Ones and copies of Halo 5 Guardians just to play together co-op!!! Total descent into madness upon abject stupidity and rampant consumerism at the expense of the gamer. Halo 6 needs to go further on every level, likely being on Microsoft's so far from technical demonstrations impressive Xbox One X. Split screen needs to outclass Super Smash Bros on the Wii U, which allowed players to play with tons of players even in split screen.

3) Playable Elites.

I want a new Invasion in Halo 6. Bigger and more badass in every way, combined with the incredible potential of Warzone and Warzone Firefight demonstrated in Halo 5, with AI teammates you can customize with unique weapons, skills, armor, assassinations, voice and anything you wish. Halo needs to be the franchise KING of customization, as Halo 5's Custom Games Browser is fantastic and needs to return in Halo 6. And we desire to play as Elites once again, with identical stats and playlist rights as the Spartans. Both species contribute to Halo lore, history, and canon, and therefore, the Elites deserve to be playable. On this note...

4) Playable Brutes, Flood, Covenant, Prometheans, and Forerunners.

Do I even need to explain why? The scientific research says no. No, I do not. Bots in multiplayer, campaign and firefight, would boost the long-term appeal of Halo tremendously from Halo 6 onward. Imagine an Invasion game type with AI Scarab's on the Elites team, and the Infinity, filled with AI Spartans on the Spartans side, in an all out Warzone inspired battle for the ages!

5) An improved theater.

Halo 6's Theater needs to be built for Machinima from the ground up, allowing us to upload our saved replays to our notebooks, desktops, tablets, and smartphones for every upload to social media outlets. 4K HD support by design. A more flexible camera that allows us to close up shots of our Spartan or Elite armor, like in Halo 3 which was near flawless in its elegant execution.

6) More Assassinations and Elite custom assassinations

Let's have grabbing weakened Spartan and Elite teammates and holding them captive. The apprehended can struggle and BXR with enough timing out of the chokehold, but the individual remains otherwise shot to death as a human/dinosaur shield by his own Spartans or Elites. What about real close quarter combat moves too? Uppercuts, kicks, jabs and even perhaps the ability to throw on Spartan or Elite combatant into another killing two birds with a single stone?

7) More vehicles and weapons, with the resurgence of dual wielding!

A custom game type where any weapon can be dual wielded? Energy Swords? Gravity Hammers? Snipers? Saws? Battle Rifles? Rocket Launchers? Sign me up! Let's take this concept a step further 343i. Allow gamers to customize each weapon individually, the damage each weapon does, the scope length, fire rate, number of bullets in a clip, weapon skins, etc.

8) More Classic playlists

Give Sprint fewer playlists equal footing in Halo 6, with Classic Halo players satisfied with no sprint Halo gameplay, the other half getting average Sprint playlists, as Sprint now has its place in Halo. Increase the damage of weapons slightly for Classic playlists and decrease Spartan/Elite health resistance.

9) A better story
We want to play as the Master Chief. Not as Locke the whole time, Chief and Blue Team must be the central focus of Halo 6's plotline for Halo fans to care. Let us play as the Arbiter again! Give us characters that don't sound like lifeless, limp rag puppets as in Halo 5 Guardians single player. All that ridiculous, insane hype and for what?! A pointless fistfight and a crazy nonsensical retarded cliffhanger ending, that still leaves a sour taste in the mouth. Halo 6 needs to have none of these flaws.

10) The Resurrection of Sargent Johnson as a Spartan himself.
Make it happen 343. The fate of Halo now rests in your hands.

The new Macbook Pro is total garbage

There is no easy way to say this, Apple's new Macbook Pro is a definitive downgrade from previous releases, and a compelling reason why I have stayed with PC. This is the worst Macintosh release in Apples entire history. The flaws of this new Macbook Pro are impossible to ignore. Such as the fact that HDMI is now gone. Firewire is gone. Thunderbolt is gone. An optical drive? SD Card slots? Pff, who needs them? All the useful ports are fucking gone. But it gets even worse. Much worse.

Just to attach your phone, camera, and any other device to your Macbook Pro requires the purchase of a 50$ or more dongle, per attachment. Imagine a sea of unseemly and ugly tangled mess of cables cluttering your desk with no room for anything, and you are close to describing the new MacBook Pro experience. It's grade A bullshit. Even worse, people are releasing hacks solely to fix Apple's gross negligence and blatant incompetence with the Macbook Pro. You know that you utterly fucked it up when people release mods just to add features to the older model which have removed for no reason other than simple aesthetics which means jack fucking shit to any power user:
http://www.businessinsider.com/2016-macbook-pro-adapter-adds-hdmi-sd-card-usb-ports-2017-1
 I recently purchased an Alienware 17 inch beast of a laptop, at a fraction of the cost of the new Macbook Pro, with a much faster processor, 8 GB VRAM Nvidia graphics card, double the RAM capacity at 32GB DDR4, a solid state hard drive, larger HD display that is Oculus Rift enabled, and with tons of ports, all for over a thousand dollars less. If you enjoy paying over three thousand dollars for a computer with only 2GB of VRAM in fucking 2016 and quad-core processors below 3.0 GHZ, you are being conned and played like a fucking sucker. Apple is ripping you off to your very face, but people continue to shell out the money for garbage product.  OS X is an excellent operating system, but Windows 10 is looking to become a serious competitor. I love the Microsoft Surface, as it demonstrates what Windows 8.1's tablet functionality should have operated as in the first place.

The bottom line is that Apple is in trouble. They have successfully alienated their power users through releasing a machine with fewer features than previous versions. The Mac platform needs help. SmartTouch does not justify the removal of ports, and the lack of reliable hardware. My advice is to wait to purchase a new portable Macintosh until Apple hires a new development team with an inkling of common sense.

My Product Rating: 0/10

The Top 5 BEST and the Top 5 WORST Halo maps of all time

As something of a massive FPS aficionado since Doom and the GoldenEye N64 days, my love of Halo traces its roots all the way back to the year 2001 when Halo Combat Evolved released on the original Xbox. At the time, I was an obsessive Nintendo fanboy, who performed bloody sacrifices of the virgin at the altar of my deity Mario. However, even I was quick to admit while Super Mario Sunshine was a great game; the title did not stand up to the majesty that was Super Mario 64. Not to mention all of my friends within earshot were always chattering away about the Xbox and Halo 2 by 2006. To hide my seething jealousy, as I had no Xbox at the time I would laugh at my friends, proclaiming the meaning of life was obsessively playing Super Smash Bros until your thumbs developed de Quervain's Disease. However, all this changed when I bought my first copy of Halo Combat Evolved for the PC. Shortly afterward, my parents bought the family an Xbox 360 complete with Halo 3 preinstalled and I knew there was no going back.

I have since played all of the major Halo titles except for Halo 5 Guardians and loved them all (excluding Halo Reach). However I refuse to buy Halo 5 in any way, shape, or form despite being impressed with the games new features until 343 pulls the electrical sockets out of their brains and patches in split screen, or at the very least confirms it for Halo 6, because that was a massively bad move by 343. Not to mention only getting to play as the Master Chief for three missions in the entire game? Seriously? That's pathetic. So many hours with my friends couch surfing Halo 3 and Halo 4 customs, all gone to waste just so we can experience shiny 60 FPS, once again proving that the industry favors graphics over solid gameplay and functionality. With this in mind, here is my list of, in my opinion, the best and worst maps that the Halo series has to offer.

Top 5 Best Halo Maps
5) Longest (Halo CE)

It's no secret that I love symmetrical maps in first person shooters. They offer the most balance in Team Slayer matches because both teams spawn with an equal chance of controlling the map. Longest is an excellent example of how to design a symmetrical arena-based map that is fast, fun and furiously addictive. Free for All matches quickly become a bloodbath when everyone is given a Shotgun on this map, as you barely have time to turn a corner before you either react in time or wade in pools of your blood. But my favorite mode in Longest is Capture the Flag. Due to this maps straightforward design, team shooting is everything when it comes to snatching victory from the jaws of defeat.

4) The Pit (Halo 3)

Another example of an excellent symmetrical map in the Halo series. Both teams spawn with a sniper rifle while the rocket launcher Camo and Overshield remain placed in critical locations that lead to intense firefights to control power weapons and secure the map. The sniper tower is so much fun to pick off targets, let alone ambush the sniper with an energy sword, shotgun or grenade to BR combo. Make no mistake, this map is best in Team based Slayer and objective game types. Because this map is perfectly symmetrical, both teams stand an equal chance of controlling the map through dominating spawn points and holding down the sniper tower or sword room.

3) Lockout/Blackout (Halo 2 & Halo 3)

What can I say about Lockout that hasn't already been immortalized in the eyes of FPS fans? This map is a real classic, with intense combat taking place from the lower walkways filled with grenade explosions, all the way up to the high snowy peaks of the sniper and battle rifle locations. The action is always flowing in this map, and top control is essential. Otherwise, expect to become entirely overrun by a hail of bullets and the traditional teabag.  The entire level can become traversed extremely quickly, but assassinations are common unless you have an escape route planned. 

2) Heretic/Midship (Halo 2 & Halo 3)

When it comes to frantic war zones of sophisticated arena style FPS madness, few maps in FPS history can compete with the glory that is Midship from Halo 2, remade in both Halo 3 and Halo 5 Guardians. Why? Because this map is the quintessential arena based map, as nearly every surface area can be traversed through timed jumps to gain complete map dominance. Explosions fly with reckless abandon as you fight in Team Slayer or Objective matches to control Bottom Middle, Car 2, Car 1, Top Middle, and the customary Blue and Pink bases. This map is a constant assault of comebacks; I can think of few maps where you shouldn't place your eggs all in one basket. The lack of maneuverability means that anyone can make a comeback in this map, but only the legends at Halo will shoot their way to the top.

1) Blood Gulch (every Halo game ever)

Blood Gulch, such a natural choice. Except I had no choice, to me this map is the definition of a perfect FPS map. The map is large enough for true vehicular manslaughter as teams race back and forth in nail-biting Warthog clashes as a Banshee tears through flesh in the sky. However, the map is small enough to where the player never feels lost in the shuffle. Capture the Flag is the mode this level was born for, as both teams race back and forth between vehicular manslaughter and pulse-pounding frag fests. All of the weapons are placed with professional care in this map so that nothing feels unbalanced. Both teams have access to a sniper rifle, but the rockets, Camo, and Overshield are exposed in the middle of the map, meaning players who want to claim these coveted items will have to claw their way to the powerups through intense firefights and constant close calls. For its perfect size, brilliant design and strategic placement of weapons, Blood Gulch stands the test of time in my eyes as the greatest Halo map, and one of the best FPS maps of all time.

And now, because all optimism needs a healthy dose of cynicism now and again.

Top 5 Worst Halo Maps
5) Isolation (Halo 3)



Frankly, this map is a damn chore to play through. The giant mass of grass at the top leaves you completely exposed to oncoming fire while the Flood marsh pits are a perfect trap for newbies to get splattered by a Ghost or pulverized with Rockets. Camping is infamous on this map, and the strategy seems entirely based on spot the Spartan stuck without cover. Gameplay becomes repetitive quickly when teams camp at the top tower of the map and rain fire down on you, only to take the escape tunnel forcing you to follow them into a well-timed rocket or shotgun bullet.

4) Longshore (Halo 3)


This map is a campers paradise, where you will constantly spawn and have to walk endlessly just to find a single power weapon. The map has just enough cover to allow the enemy team to hide away for most of the match, gunning down fresh bodies in the turret or mowing down targets in the Ghost. And woe is to anyone who lets someone press the bridge button as if this occurs prepare to get spawn killed over and over and over again until you flush your controller down the toilet in frustration.

3) Countdown (Halo Reach)

I cannot stand Countdown; every single match is the same. Sprint around aimlessly for a few seconds before jetpacking kids wreck you by spamming Reach's broken mini nuke grenades. You are perpetually running in the same directions over and over until your slow Sprint AA runs out of juice and you get double beatdown to death by tryhards. Controlling any point of the map is utterly pointless in Halo Reach, as players can simply jetpack and spam mini nukes or Armor Lock regularly until you are forced to rush. No matter where you spawn on this map, you nearly always have to end up rushing the shotgun spawn near the lifts. Don't fall into the trap of jumping into a lift unless you have a close range weapon handy or a set of mini nukes, as you will get obliterated by the hordes of kids who believe skill equates to armor lock camping the lifts for an eternity. 
2) Backwash (Halo 2)

Do you enjoy a map covered in so much fog you have no idea where you are going? Enjoy getting killed by an Energy Sword out of thin air? Ugly putrid textures? Check. Horrible weapon placement? Check. This map is decent enough for Infection game types, but the smog ruins all other game types very quickly, and the fun wears off fast. When you cannot get your bearings and get assassinated in the back before you even have a chance to grab a battle rifle or yell the latest profanity to amuse all your social media loving friends and excommunicate yourself from the most recent cocktail social.
1) Sword Base (Halo Reach)

Sword Base, simply put, is not only the worst map in Halo history, but it is also the worst map in ANY FIRST PERSON SHOOTER. Having played the beta version of Halo Reach, Bungie somehow managed to make an atrocious level even worse. Take Constructs lifts from Halo 3, and then condense every spawn point into rushing like drunken jackals into the single lift room, where some jackass will always be camping with armor lock and a shotgun or energy sword. There is no fucking strategy to this map whatsoever, rush energy lift room or die regularly. The textures are this dangerous mix of silver and turquoise, and I cannot image how much paint the artists were huffing when they thought that was an attractive color scheme for a map. The sniper became cruelly removed from the beta, and by the time Bungie put it back into Sword Base, it didn't change the fact that the only way to win in this trainwreck of a map is to camp lift room regularly. The room is shielded off from grenades, encouraging campers and armor lock tryhards, making every second excruciating to experience. King of the Hill puts the hills in horrible spawn points allowing yourself to get nuked by Reach's broken grenades every two seconds. It doesn't even matter if you get your hands on the sniper because the lift camper is impervious to damage unless they leave the room and no one who knows how to play Sword Base ever plays this map outside of camping the lifts. The design is horrible, the textures are putrid and bland, the weapons are thoughtlessly strewn about in nonsensical spawn points, this map is just a complete disaster in every way imaginable. 

Well, that's about all she wrote for tonight. I'm going to reminisce about the good old days of parking a Warthog over the teleporters in Blood Gulch and soaking in buckets of noob spawn traps to mask my seething loneliness.